Parenting a preteen can sometimes feel like walking on a tightrope. I’ve been there. My son, a bright, curious, and sensitive boy, went through a phase where his anger and frustration seemed to be the only languages he spoke. Simple conversations turned into heated arguments, and his once-enthusiastic attitude towards school wavered into a stubborn resistance.
One day, after yet another disagreement, he stormed off, muttering something that hit me like a punch to the gut: “You love my little brother more than me.” That moment made me realize something needed to change — and it wasn’t just about him. It was about us.
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My Turning Point
I realized that my yelling and his aggression were part of the same cycle. He believed I loved his younger sibling more than him, and I was unknowingly feeding into that insecurity. It was time for me to hit pause and reevaluate.
I began by trying to understand his anger. I started to see it as his way of expressing emotions he couldn’t put into words. Instead of reacting, I began pausing. When he shouted, I took a deep breath, knelt to his eye level, and said, “I see you’re upset. Let’s talk about it.” Not every attempt worked, but over time, he started opening up more.
I also realized he needed more of me. With a toddler sibling demanding my attention, he felt overshadowed. I began carving out special “us time.” Every week, we’d do something together — just the two of us. Sometimes we played board games, and other times we baked cookies or went for a walk. These moments reminded him he’s deeply loved and valued.
What Worked for Me
Become His Safe Space
I started by spending one-on-one time with him. I’d sit with him every evening—no agenda, no lectures. Just us. Sometimes, we played board games; other times, we’d talk about his favorite shows or what happened in school. Slowly, I noticed him opening up.
Listen Without Reacting
Whenever he was upset or angry, I consciously avoided jumping in to correct him. Instead, I’d say, “I can see you’re upset. Do you want to talk about it?” This approach diffused many arguments before they even started.
Set Boundaries with Love
Preteens need boundaries, but how you enforce them matters. I stopped saying, “You can’t do this!” Instead, I’d explain why certain behaviors weren’t okay. For example, “I understand you’re angry, but yelling hurts everyone. Let’s figure out a better way to handle this.”
Address the Jealousy
To tackle his belief that I loved his younger sibling more, I made it a point to involve him in caring for his sibling. I’d say things like, “Your baby brother looks up to you so much! Can you help me teach him something today?” Slowly, he started to feel proud rather than threatened.
Teach Emotional Expression
We began a new habit: naming emotions. If he was upset, I’d say, “Are you feeling frustrated? It’s okay. Let’s figure out why.” Over time, he learned to articulate his emotions instead of acting out.
Be His Cheerleader
Even when he refused to study, I stopped nagging. Instead, I encouraged his efforts. “You’re so good at math! I know you’ll do great if you just spend 20 minutes on it today.” This shifted his mindset, and he eventually returned to his studies without resistance.
Manifestation and Positivity Practices
I also embraced the power of positive manifestation to guide our journey. Every morning, I visualized a peaceful and loving bond with my son. I used affirmations like, “Our relationship is growing stronger every day” and “He feels loved and supported.” I even encouraged him to join me in creating a vision board for his goals and dreams. This practice gave us something hopeful and motivating to focus on together.
Calming Techniques
When tempers ran high, we practiced simple breathing exercises together. I introduced him to a method where we would take five deep breaths, counting to three as we inhaled and exhaled. It became our go-to whenever emotions escalated.
The Results
It wasn’t easy, and it didn’t happen overnight. But slowly, his anger became less frequent, and our bond grew stronger. He’s still a preteen, navigating a confusing world of emotions, but now he knows I’m on his side. And that’s what matters most.
Parenting isn’t about being perfect; it’s about showing up consistently. Your preteen’s aggression doesn’t mean you’re failing—it’s their way of asking for help. Through patience, empathy, and these small but significant changes, I transformed my relationship with my son. Today, he’s more open, less aggressive, and knows he’s loved. And if I can do it, so can you.
