At 9 years old, children are navigating a complex emotional landscape. They’re no longer little kids, but they’re not quite teenagers either. They’re dealing with school pressures, friendship dynamics, sibling rivalries, and the growing awareness that the world isn’t always fair. They’re also trying to figure out who they’re becoming—especially boys, who are often caught between wanting comfort and wanting to prove they’re “big” now.
Today’s interview is with Vaibhav, a 9-year-old boy who loves drawing and skating. What struck me most about this conversation was how clearly he’s developing his own strategies for handling big emotions—some he’s discovered on his own, some he’s learned from watching the world around him.
If you’ve been wondering how to talk to 9 year old about emotions during this “bridge phase” between childhood and pre-teen years, Vaibhav’s answers offer real insight.
This is what talking to children about emotions at age 9 really looks like: honest, evolving, and full of self-discovery. When we know how to talk to 9 year old about emotions, we create a safe space where children feel heard instead of judged.
The Conversation
Me: What do you do when you feel very upset?
Vaibhav: I go take my gloves and punch the wall.
(He’s found a physical outlet for his anger. This is actually quite common for boys his age—they need to do something with intense emotion. The fact that he’s using gloves and hitting a wall (not a person) shows he’s already learned boundaries. He knows anger is big and needs release, and he’s channeling it somewhere that won’t hurt anyone. This is problem-solving in action.)
Me: What makes you feel calm?
Vaibhav: When my mother gives me some treats.
📣 Loved what you read? Want to go deeper into conscious parenting? ✨ The Power of Manifestation in Parenting is now available — A soulful guide packed with real-life tools like affirmations, energy shifts, and sleep talk that I personally use with my son, Hitarth. 💛 Start your journey toward calmer, connected parenting today. 🎉 Launch Offer: Only ₹99 (limited-time price!) 📲 Instant download. No waiting. 👉 Grab your copy now!.
(Connection brings him peace. When his mother gives him treats, it’s not just about the food—it’s about her attention, her approval, her way of saying “I see you, I care about you.” At 9, he’s still very much connected to his parents for emotional regulation, which is completely age-appropriate. He knows what helps him reset. That said, it’s worth gently introducing other calming strategies alongside treats—deep breathing, drawing, listening to music—so he’s building a toolkit of ways to self-soothe that he can access even when treats or mom’s attention aren’t immediately available.)
Me: How do you feel when someone else is sad?
Vaibhav: I feel happy, because I don’t know his name, I don’t know whoever he is, so I’m happy.
(This is fascinating. He’s making a distinction between people he knows and strangers. His answer shows emotional boundaries—he’s learned that he doesn’t have to carry everyone’s sadness, especially people he doesn’t know. This is actually healthy self-preservation. He’s saying, “If it’s not my problem, I don’t let it affect me.” That’s emotional maturity, even if it sounds harsh at first. He’s protecting his own peace.)
Me: What is one thing you are really good at?
Vaibhav: Drawing. Skating.
(No hesitation. Two things, not one. He knows his strengths. He’s proud of his skills. That’s confidence.)
Me: What scares you sometimes?
Vaibhav: Dog.
(Concrete and specific. His fear has a name. This is typical for this age—fears are still tangible, real things in the world, not abstract worries yet.)
Me: Where do you feel anger in your body?
Vaibhav: In my brain.
(He’s locating anger in his thoughts, not his body. For him, anger isn’t a stomach ache or tight fists—it’s mental. His brain is racing, processing, spinning. This explains why he needs the physical release of punching something—it quiets the mental storm.)
Me: What do you do when you feel like crying?
Vaibhav: I go in the bed and keep my face closed.
Me: But you don’t cry?
Vaibhav: No.
(He’s learned to retreat when sadness comes. He goes somewhere private, covers his face, and waits for the feeling to pass. This shows he knows he needs space to process emotions, which is actually mature for his age. But here’s what’s worth noticing: he doesn’t actually cry. He’s in that bridge phase where crying feels like something little kids do, and he’s trying to prove he’s not little anymore. This is so typical of boys his age—they’re learning that “being strong” means holding tears in. While his instinct to find a private space is healthy, we don’t want him to learn that sadness has to be suppressed. This is a gentle teaching moment: we can honor his need for privacy while also letting him know that crying is a strength, not a weakness.)
Me: What do you do when something doesn’t go your way?
Vaibhav: I get angry and hit my head.
(When frustration builds and there’s no outlet, he turns it inward. This is him expressing, “I’m mad at myself for not getting it right.” It’s a physical expression of frustration—like an adult slapping their forehead and saying “Ugh, I’m so stupid!” He’s just more literal about it. While it’s understandable, this is one area where gentle guidance is important. We want to help him redirect that energy outward in healthier ways before it becomes a default pattern. Teaching him alternatives now—like squeezing a stress ball, doing push-ups, or even just saying “I’m so frustrated!” out loud—can help him develop better self-regulation tools.)
Me: How do you know that you are happy?
Vaibhav: When I pass my exam, I’m happy because my mother is happy.
(His happiness is connected to making his mother proud. This isn’t dependency—this is love. He feels joy when she feels joy. That’s empathy. That’s connection. At 9, making your parents proud still matters deeply, and that’s beautiful. It shows he values her opinion and wants to succeed for both of them.)
Me: What do you do if you hurt someone by mistake?
Vaibhav: I feel bad.
(He has empathy. He has conscience. He feels the weight of his actions. That’s emotional awareness.)
Me: What makes you strong inside?
Vaibhav: When my brother gets punishment by my mother.
(Sibling dynamics in full display. He feels strong when he’s not the one in trouble. This is actually very normal—kids compare themselves to their siblings constantly. When his brother is punished, it means he is the “good one” in that moment, and that feels validating. It’s not cruelty—it’s him understanding his place in the family hierarchy.)
What I Learned From Viabhav
This conversation gave me so much insight into what’s happening emotionally for boys at age 9. Understanding how to talk to 9 year old about emotions allows us to guide them without forcing them to open up.
When I interviewed 6-year-old Hitarth, he was open, expressive, and willing to explore his emotions with curiosity. At 9, Vaibhav is in a different phase. He’s starting to manage his emotions more privately. He’s developing his own strategies. He’s also starting to show the influence of what society tells boys about emotions—that crying is for little kids, that anger needs a physical outlet, that being strong means holding things in.
But here’s what’s important: this is developmentally normal.
Vaibhav isn’t shutting down—he’s evolving. He’s trying to figure out how to be a “big kid” while still needing comfort, connection, and guidance. He’s building his emotional toolkit, and while some strategies are still rough around the edges (like hitting his head when frustrated), he’s actively learning.
Here’s what talking to children about emotions at age 9 taught me:
1. Boys this age are trying to prove they’re “brave”—and that often means hiding vulnerability.
When Vaibhav said he hides his face when he feels like crying but doesn’t actually cry, he’s showing us what he thinks bravery looks like. He’s learned (from somewhere—peers, media, society) that big boys don’t cry. He’s not broken. He’s adapting to what he thinks is expected of him.
But here’s where we need to step in gently: suppressed emotions don’t disappear—they transform. When boys learn that crying isn’t allowed, that sadness must be hidden, those feelings don’t just vanish. They often come out as anger, frustration, or even physical symptoms like headaches and stomachaches.
Our job is to gently redefine bravery for him: “Actually, crying when you’re sad is brave. Hiding your feelings doesn’t make them go away—it just makes them heavier. The strongest people I know are the ones who can say ‘I’m hurting’ and let themselves feel it.”
Research shows that when talking to children about emotions, we often treat boys and girls differently. Boys are frequently discouraged from expressing sadness, while girls are encouraged to talk about it. This matters because emotional intelligence in children develops best when all feelings, including the difficult ones like sadness and fear, are welcomed and discussed openly, regardless of gender.
2. Physical outlets for emotion are instinctive for many boys—we just need to guide them toward safe ones.
Punching a wall with gloves, hitting his head when frustrated—these show that Vaibhav understands his body needs to do something with big feelings. That instinct is actually healthy. He knows sitting still won’t help. The fact that he’s using gloves and hitting a wall (not a person) shows he’s already learned boundaries.
But here’s where guidance matters: we want to help him build a range of physical outlets that are constructive rather than potentially harmful. Punching walls can lead to injury (even with gloves), and hitting his head—while understandable—is directing aggression inward, which we want to gently redirect.
The key is helping him find better physical outlets that still give him that release: running until he’s out of breath, doing jumping jacks, ripping up old newspapers, squeezing a stress ball as hard as he can, doing push-ups, or even punching a proper punching bag. Physical release is good. We just want it to be constructive and safe, not destructive or self-directed.
3. Nine-year-olds still rely heavily on parental approval—and that’s okay, with a gentle expansion.
Vaibhav feels calm when his mother gives him treats. He feels happy when she’s happy. He’s not “too dependent”—he’s connected. That connection is what will keep him coming to her when things get hard, and that’s beautiful.
But here’s where we can support his growth: as he moves toward the pre-teen years, it’s helpful to also build internal sources of calm and happiness. This doesn’t mean cutting the connection—it means expanding his toolkit.
We can say things like: “I love that you feel happy when I’m happy. That shows how much you care. And I want you to also feel happy just because you did something great, even if I’m not around to see it. Your happiness can belong to you too.”
Teaching him to recognize his own wins, to self-soothe with breathing or music, to feel proud independently—these skills will serve him as he grows into more independence.
4. Emotional boundaries are forming—and they’re healthy.
When Vaibhav said he doesn’t feel sad for strangers because he doesn’t know them, he’s showing emotional discernment. He’s learning he can’t carry the weight of everyone’s problems. That’s not coldness—that’s self-preservation. He’s figuring out where his emotional energy should go, and that’s a valuable skill.
5. Sibling rivalry is real, and it shapes self-concept.
Vaibhav feels strong when his brother gets punished. Not because he’s mean, but because in that moment, he knows he’s the “better” one. This is how kids measure themselves—through comparison. It’s our job to help them build self-worth that isn’t dependent on being better than someone else, but rather on their own unique strengths.
This interview shows in real life how to talk to 9 year old about emotions with patience, curiosity, and respect.
Age-Appropriate Conversation Starters: How to Talk to 9 Year Old About Emotions
At age 9, children are at a fascinating developmental stage. They’re forming their own opinions, comparing themselves to peers, navigating complex social dynamics, and testing boundaries. The questions that worked when they were 6 need to evolve. Here’s what works best for this age—and what to listen for in their answers.
Questions That Work Best at Age 9:
1. “What made you feel frustrated today?”
Why this works: Nine-year-olds experience frustration frequently—homework that’s too hard, friends who don’t play fair, parents who don’t understand. “Frustrated” is a more sophisticated emotion word than “mad” or “angry,” and it gives them vocabulary for the in-between feelings.
What to listen for: Are they frustrated with themselves (perfectionism, self-criticism) or with external situations (unfairness, lack of control)? This tells you whether they need help with self-compassion or problem-solving.
2. “When you’re upset, what helps you calm down?”
Why this works: This question asks them to identify their own coping strategies. You’re not telling them what to do—you’re discovering what already works for them, then building on it.
What to listen for: Are they naming healthy strategies (running, drawing, talking) or potentially concerning ones (hitting things, hiding, shutting down)? Both are valid starting points, but the latter need gentle redirection.
3. “Who do you feel like you can talk to when something’s bothering you?”
Why this works: At 9, kids are starting to confide in people other than parents—friends, teachers, siblings. This question reveals their support system and whether they feel they have one.
What to listen for: If they can’t name anyone, that’s important. If they only name friends (and not any adults), gently remind them that grown-ups are safe too. If they name you, celebrate that trust.
4. “What’s something that happened this week that you’re proud of?”
Why this works: Nine-year-olds are building self-concept through achievement and comparison. This question helps them focus on internal pride rather than external validation.
What to listen for: Are they naming things they did (effort, kindness, persistence) or things that happened to them (winning, being chosen, getting praise)? The former shows internal locus of control; the latter shows they’re still building it.
5. “If you could change one rule at home or school, what would it be and why?”
Why this works: This question taps into their growing sense of fairness and justice. It also reveals what feels restrictive or unfair to them, which often connects to deeper emotional needs.
What to listen for: Are they asking for more freedom, more fairness, or more connection? A child who says “I wish I could stay up later” might be seeking independence. A child who says “I wish recess was longer” might be craving social time.
6. “What’s the hardest part about being 9 years old?”
Why this works: This is an open-ended invitation to share their struggles. It validates that being a kid is hard work, not easy.
What to listen for: Common themes—friend drama, academic pressure, sibling comparisons, feeling misunderstood. Whatever they name is their current emotional burden.
7. “When was the last time you felt really happy—not because you got something, but because of something you did or something that happened?”
Why this works: This differentiates between material happiness (getting a toy) and emotional happiness (connection, achievement, joy). It helps them recognize intrinsic sources of happiness.
What to listen for: Can they identify moments of pure joy that weren’t tied to rewards? This shows emotional awareness.
8. “What do you do when you feel left out or like you don’t fit in?”
Why this works: Social belonging is HUGE at age 9. Peer relationships are becoming more complex, and exclusion hurts deeply. This question opens the door to discuss friendship struggles.
What to listen for: Do they internalize it (“I’m weird, that’s why”) or externalize it (“Those kids were being mean”)? The former needs gentle reframing; the latter shows healthy boundaries.
9. “If you could tell me one thing you wish I understood about you, what would it be?”
Why this works: This is an invitation for honesty. It gives them permission to say what they’ve been holding back.
What to listen for: Whatever they say is likely something they’ve been wanting you to know for a while. Listen without defensiveness.
10. “What’s one thing that scared you this week, even if it seems small?”
Why this works: Fear looks different at 9—it’s less about monsters and more about failure, embarrassment, or rejection. This normalizes that fear is still present, just evolved.
What to listen for: Are they naming social fears (being laughed at), academic fears (failing), or physical fears (still afraid of dogs)? Each needs different support.
If you’re looking for more ways to start meaningful conversations, don’t miss this blog “20 After-School Questions to Get Your Kids Talking” — a simple guide to help your child open up after school.
What to Listen For (The Deeper Meaning):
When talking to 9-year-olds, pay attention to:
- Who they compare themselves to – Are they constantly measuring against siblings, friends, or themselves?
- Whether they can name emotions beyond “good” and “bad” – Frustrated, disappointed, anxious, proud, relieved?
- If they mention fairness a lot – This age is obsessed with justice and equality
- How they talk about mistakes – Do they see them as failures or learning opportunities?
- Whether they’re internalizing or externalizing – “I’m bad at math” vs “That test was really hard”
How to Use These Questions:
Don’t fire them off like an interrogation. Slip them into natural moments:
- Car rides
- Bedtime
- While cooking together
- During a walk
- After they’ve had a tough day
Start with observation, then ask: “I noticed you seemed upset after school today. Want to tell me what happened?”
Follow their lead: If they’re not ready to talk, don’t push. Just let them know: “I’m here whenever you want to talk about it.”
Validate before you solve: When they share, resist the urge to immediately fix it. First say: “That sounds really hard” or “I can see why that would upset you.”
The goal isn’t to get perfect answers. The goal is to keep the door open—so when they’re struggling, they know they can come to you.
What’s Next in This Series
I’ll be continuing this series with children of different ages and backgrounds. Each conversation reveals something new about how emotional understanding evolves and how we, as parents, can better support our children’s emotional worlds.
Previous Interviews:
Want Your Child Featured?
If you’d like your child to participate in these emotional intelligence interviews, I’d love to hear from them.
What I need:
- Your child’s age
- A short conversation (10 minutes) where I ask age-appropriate questions about emotions
- Your permission to share their insights (anonymously or with first name only—your choice)
What you get:
- A beautiful record of your child’s emotional world at this age
- Insights into how your child processes feelings
- A published interview that helps other parents understand childhood emotions
Reach out via Instagram if you’re interested!
Follow Along
New interviews will be added regularly as I talk with children across different ages and backgrounds.
Have questions about talking to children about emotions or want to suggest topics for future interviews? Drop a comment below or reach out—I’d love to hear from you.
Thank you, Vaibhav, for sharing your world with us. Your honesty helps other parents understand what’s happening inside their 9-year-olds’ hearts—and that’s a gift.
Your comments and shares do more than just support our blog—they uplift the amazing moms who share their stories here. Please scroll down to the end of the page to leave your thoughts, and use the buttons just below this line to share. Your support makes a big difference!
