My Journey of Balancing Attention Between My 8-Year-Old and Newborn!

As I sit here, typing with one hand while cradling my 2-month-old son in the other, I can’t help but smile at my 8-year-old daughter, Sophia, who’s sprawled on the living room floor, surrounded by her favorite coloring books. This scene of relative calm is a far cry from where we were just a few weeks ago. Balancing attention between siblings has been a rollercoaster ride, and I want to share my raw, real experiences with other moms who might be facing the same challenges.

The Day I Realized I Needed a New Approach

It was a Tuesday afternoon, about three weeks after bringing our little bundle home. Sophia had just returned from school, bursting with excitement about her upcoming class play. As she launched into a detailed description of her role, the baby started wailing. Without thinking, I interrupted Sophia mid-sentence to tend to her brother.

The look on Sophia’s face was heart-wrenching. She didn’t say a word, just quietly retreated to her room. That moment hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized I needed to find a better way of balancing attention between my children.

My Lightbulb Moment

Later that evening, after both kids were asleep, I stumbled upon an article about prioritizing older children’s needs when they’re not urgent. It was a lightbulb moment for me. The next day, I decided to put this into practice.

When Sophia came home from school, I made sure the baby was fed and settled. I sat down with her and said, “Honey, I want to hear all about your day. I’m all ears for the next 15 minutes, just for you.” The way her eyes lit up told me I was onto something good.

Real-Life Scenarios and Solutions

The Homework Dilemma

One afternoon, Sophia needed help with her math homework just as the baby was getting fussy. Instead of postponing the homework, I put the baby in a wrap, freeing my hands to help Sophia. It wasn’t perfect – I had to pause occasionally to soothe the baby – but Sophia appreciated that I prioritized her need.

The Middle-of-the-Night Challenge

One night, both kids woke up simultaneously. The baby was hungry, and Sophia had a nightmare. I quickly realized I could feed the baby while comforting Sophia. I sat in Sophia’s bed, nursing the baby while stroking Sophia’s hair and talking softly to her. It was a beautiful moment of connection for all three of us.

The Park Incident

During a trip to the park, Sophia wanted to show me her new trick on the monkey bars just as the baby needed a diaper change. I asked Sophia if she could wait two minutes, explaining why, and promised to watch her right after. To my surprise, she not only waited patiently but also proudly announced to another child, “My mom’s changing the baby, but she’ll watch me in a minute because we take turns in our family.”

More Practical Advice for Balancing Attention Between Siblings

The “Special Mommy Time” Calendar

I created a colorful calendar with Sophia where we mark out dedicated “Special Mommy Time” slots each week. These are 20-30 minute periods where she gets my undivided attention. We do this during the baby’s typical nap times. Activities range from baking cookies to having a tea party with her stuffed animals. This gives Sophia something to look forward to and helps her feel secure in our one-on-one time.

The “Big Sister’s Choice” Jar

We decorated a jar together and filled it with slips of paper, each containing an activity Sophia loves. When I’m feeding the baby, and Sophia needs attention, she can pick from the jar. These are quick, manageable activities like “tell Mom a joke” or “show Mom your favorite toy.” It gives her a sense of control and keeps her engaged.

Bedtime Bonding

I’ve adjusted our bedtime routine to include more time with Sophia. While my husband handles the baby’s bedtime, I spend 15-20 minutes with Sophia. We read, chat about her day, or do some light stretching exercises together. This exclusive time has become a cherished part of our day.

The “Quiet Time” Box

For those moments when I really need to focus on the baby (like during doctor’s check-ups), I prepared a special “Quiet Time” box for Sophia. It contains engaging but quiet activities like new coloring books, puzzle books, or her tablet with headphones. She only gets to use these special items during these specific times, which makes them more exciting.

Sibling Story Time

Every evening, we have a family story time where Sophia reads a short book to her baby brother (with my help when needed). This not only helps Sophia feel important and involved but also promotes bonding between the siblings.

The “Mommy’s Little Helper” Badge

I created a special badge for Sophia to wear when she’s helping with the baby. When she wears it, she gets to do “official” big sister duties like choosing the baby’s outfit or singing a lullaby. This makes her feel valued and part of the baby’s care routine.

Weekly “Big Kid” Outings

Every weekend, either my husband or I take Sophia out for a special one-on-one outing. It might be a trip to the library, a walk in the park, or a visit to a local café for hot chocolate. This gives her something special to look forward to each week.

The “Feelings Jar”

We keep a jar where Sophia can put notes about her feelings, especially if she’s feeling left out or upset. We review these together regularly, which gives her a way to express herself and me a chance to address her concerns.

Meal Prep Bonding

I involve Sophia in meal prep when I can. She might help me plan meals for the week or assist in simple cooking tasks. This not only gives us time together but also teaches her valuable skills.

The “Accomplishment Wall”

We’ve dedicated a wall in our home to showcase Sophia’s accomplishments – artwork, good grades, or kind deeds. Regularly updating this wall together helps her feel seen and celebrated, even when much of my time is taken up by the baby.

Morning Check-ins

I make sure to have a quick check-in with Sophia every morning, asking about her plans for the day and if there’s anything she needs from me. This helps set a positive tone and makes her feel prioritized right from the start of the day.

The “Pause and Connect” Technique

When both children need me simultaneously, I’ve learned to quickly “pause and connect” with Sophia before attending to the baby (unless it’s an emergency). I might say, “I see you need me. I’ll be with you in two minutes after I change the baby. Can you show me what you need then?” This acknowledgment goes a long way in making her feel heard.

Lessons I’ve Learned

Communicate, communicate, communicate

I’ve found that explaining situations to Sophia helps her understand and feel included.

Make the most of baby’s nap times

When the baby naps, that’s prime Sophia time. We’ve had some of our best conversations and giggle sessions during these periods.

Involve Sophia in baby care

Sophia now has the important job of “Chief Diaper Fetcher” and “Royal Entertainer” during diaper changes. She beams with pride in these roles.

Be present in small moments

Even when I’m nursing, I make sure to make eye contact with Sophia and ask about her day.

It’s okay to not be perfect

Some days, I fail miserably at balancing attention. On those days, I apologize to Sophia and we start fresh the next day.

Also read: No, Moms: It’s Not Selfish to Make Yourself a Priority

The Unexpected Joys

Amidst the challenges of balancing attention between siblings, I’ve discovered unexpected joys. Last week, I overheard Sophia “reading” to her baby brother, making up a story about a brave big sister and her sidekick baby brother. My heart nearly burst with pride and love.

To all the moms out there trying to balance attention between siblings, I see you. It’s hard, it’s messy, and some days you’ll feel like you’re failing. But you’re not. You’re learning, adapting, and loving fiercely. Remember, it’s not about being a perfect mom, it’s about being a present mom.

And on those days when you feel you’ve got it all wrong, take a deep breath and know that tomorrow is a new day to try again. We’re all in this together, figuring it out one day at a time.

Remember, fellow moms, what works for one family might not work for another. The key is to be flexible, creative, and keep communicating with your older child. Don’t be afraid to try new strategies and adjust as needed. Most importantly, be kind to yourself. Balancing attention between siblings is a skill that takes time to develop. Some days will be better than others, and that’s perfectly okay. We’re all doing our best, and our love for our children is what matters most.

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