Bringing home baby number two is an exciting yet challenging time for any parent. After living in Canada for the past three years, I’ve come to realize just how much we, as parents, are expected to handle everything on our own—without the extended family support that many of us might have been used to back home. In moments of exhaustion, it’s easy to fall into a common trap: leaning heavily on your older child to help care for the newborn.
After all, if your older child has been excited about having a sibling, why not let them help out, right? But here’s where many parents, myself included, make the biggest mistake after baby #2: unknowingly turning the older sibling into a mini-caretaker. While it may seem helpful in the short term, it’s crucial to remember that parenting is our responsibility, no matter how much the older child begs for a sibling or seems ready for more involvement.
The truth is, asking too much from your older child can lead to feelings of overwhelm, confusion, and even resentment. But there’s a way to avoid this mistake while still making your older child feel valued and involved. In this post, I’ll share practical and emotional strategies to involve them in newborn care—without placing the weight of responsibility on their small shoulders.
Let’s dive into how you can foster that bond between siblings in a way that supports both of your children.
Contents
Involve, Don’t Delegate
The first thing I do is involve my older child in simple tasks without making him feel like he’s being handed the weight of the world. I might ask, “Can you help me bring the baby’s diaper?” or “Do you want to sing a lullaby while I feed the baby?” This way, he feels involved, but it’s clear that the care of the baby is still my responsibility. He learns that being helpful is about contributing, not taking over.
Make It Fun, Not a Chore
Kids love feeling like they are part of something important, especially when it comes to their siblings. I try to make the experience of helping out fun. For example, I sometimes say, “You’re the best big brother! Let’s show the baby how we wash our hands before eating.” It’s about teaching life lessons like hygiene and kindness, but through play and praise, rather than turning it into a chore.
Respect Their Space
While it’s tempting to assume that an older child will always want to be around the baby, I’ve learned that it’s important to respect their space. Sometimes my son just wants to play with his toys, and that’s perfectly fine. I don’t push him to constantly be around the newborn. In fact, I believe in letting him decide when and how much he wants to be involved. After all, he’s still a child himself.
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Teach Empathy, Not Responsibility
One thing I’ve been very conscious of is teaching empathy instead of responsibility. For example, when the baby cries, I might say, “The baby is feeling sad right now. What do you think we could do to make him feel better?” This approach helps the older child understand the baby’s emotions, encouraging empathy and care, but without making it feel like he’s responsible for solving every problem.
Encourage Bonding, Not Babysitting
I always tell myself, my older child’s role is to be a sibling, not a second parent. I encourage bonding moments that feel natural to him. Sometimes I ask him to read a story to the baby, and sometimes they just sit together while I’m there, creating moments of connection. But I never expect him to “babysit” or feel pressured to take care of his younger sibling.
Praise Efforts, Not Outcomes
Whenever my son helps out, I make sure to praise his efforts, even if things don’t go perfectly. If he tries to soothe the baby but the baby still cries, I say, “You did such a kind thing by trying to help! That was really thoughtful of you.” This helps him feel appreciated without feeling like he’s failed when things don’t go as planned. It’s important to encourage the idea that responsibility is about trying your best, not achieving perfection.
Lead by Example
Children often learn by watching us, so I try to show him what it means to care for another person. Whether it’s changing diapers, feeding, or soothing the baby, I always narrate what I’m doing in a calm way. “I’m going to change the baby’s diaper now because he’s uncomfortable.” This helps him see that care is about understanding needs and responding to them, rather than feeling overwhelmed by them.
Final Thoughts
Balancing attention between two children is no easy task. As much as we want the older child to feel included, it’s essential to remember that their role is to be a sibling, not a caretaker. Involving them in age-appropriate tasks teaches responsibility without making them feel burdened. Parenting is our responsibility, but that doesn’t mean we can’t show our older children what it looks like to care for others—gently, kindly, and without pressure.
I hope these insights resonate with parents in a similar situation. It’s a beautiful journey to see your children bond, but it’s equally important to ensure that both children feel loved, supported, and free to be just that—children.
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