Broken Wings to Soaring Skies: My Fierce Journey of Survival and Selfhood

My Past, Me Today and My Tomorrow…..

A small writeup to pour my heart out without any judgements and with all truth and loyalty to myself as a person…

Though I believe it’s not easy to inspire anyone and even not aiming to do so ..but we should all smile as we don’t know someone might be looking back at us for something soothing and change may be about to #byrituraj

Smile don’t you know,
God loves you,
Take the time to smile..
Wherever you go,
Coz someone may be smiling back at you..

Belonging to a conservative middle class family, I was eldest among three (siblings) of us. My father was an accounts manager at Modipon fibres. I am a proud ICSE pass out although not a much brilliant student but still I was always an above average child in my academics till sixth or seventh standard. But then with the hit of puberty my academic score degraded a bit but still my teachers were pretty sure of my academic wellbeing. I am always thankful to them for having such a kind gesture towards me.

As I reached my tenth physics and mathematics I struggled for and back in ‘90s there wasn’t a trend of coaching and tuitions unlike the present scenario. Also the reason for the same might be that I resided in a small town ‘Modinagar (U.P.)’ and the development and management wasn’t up-to-date there. Finally tenth I marked well with a well attained score of 85 percent overall. For me it was great to get this but I think my father (just like typical middle classed parents) wasn’t satisfied comparing it to my classmates and friends. Today I feel that the feeling is mutual for all of us as parents… may be because we always want the best for our lill ones (but being truthful I didn’t like his reaction over my result at that time).

Then eleventh I chose Commerce as my stream and again papa was unhappy because most of his friend’s children went with Science and even my cousin went with PCB(medical). Huh! 😒 This was actually tough for me to explain to him how much I feared
physics and science. Whatever my mumma though never raised any voice in front of papa but never opposed my decision as well. She just wanted me to get well trained in home skills and the argument was pretty disheartening,” Saas, nahi sahegi ye nakhre”.

Are we born to only make other’s happy..?

This is what I always question myself till date and then let go. Whatever!!!

I started my eleventh and passed out my twelfth (commerce with mathematics)brilliantly with much of hard work and efforts and again crossed 85 percent. But with the academics there was a little heart becoming young. The drawback was a reserved mentality and no freedom. The things and environment was so suffocating that today I wish I should have ran away. When I was day dreaming about my college life, friends and other infatuations something else was being cooked and I was totally unaware. As soon as my twelfth boards were over I saw my parents looking for guys to get me married. First I was in utter shock then I was convinced saying that in two-three years my father will retire and he cannot support the education for three of us.

My brother wasn’t ready for this to happen. He warned me and even today he blames papa for marrying me at such a young age. (Hmmmmmmmmmmm….. sighing).

I gave my last board exam on 27 March 2001 I remember well and 4th may 2001 I got engaged (some marriage beaureau has got the offer). A girl of eighteen what could she decide during those years when she knew nothing about the world except books and
books.

…..nagging …..

Books were my only world …
Except books None were the ways explored ..
None of the ways To deal with the new world..
A whole new world of pros and cons…
a new world of pros and cons…

But life has its own destination. I was married on 30 June 2001 and standing on a rollercoaster of life I experienced joys, happiness followed by dowry related abuse, fights and scolding on petty matters, struggle for conception, eight or more abortions, but what hurted me the most was the word “ barren (banjh)”. 😭😭😒…

Then the abuses included bad words for my parents, siblings, me and everyone who was connected to me. But God forbid my husband was always my strength and stood up and backfired to his family whenever they did something wrong. But I being I dumbass girl always thinking about keeping the family united stood against my husband.

This all made my father realise what has he done to my life and now he was determined to support my studies. He convinced my in laws to allow me to study further and promised them that he will bear all expenses. Then after for years of marriage I took admission in BA Eng Hons. And as soon as I complete my second year with god’s grace I conceived and 2007 the year of blessings and charm gave me a beautiful soul, my daughter in my arms. To her I promised the very first minute of her life that I ll try my best that she might never come across anything that I have to bear.

My mother’s words ….when my daughter was born…

Lado jee le ab tu phir, jaise jeena chahti thi tu,
Tere bachpan ka roop hi to,
Teri godi me jhool Raha..
Ye nanhi chiraya, kya khel dikhayegi,
Tune jaisa chaha h Teri kismat palat ab jayegi..

Yes and she was true. Welcoming Khushi in my life was my achievement I guess. Then dropping for one year I resumed my studies and became a graduate in English hons. By the end of March 2008. Then my parents got me admission in MBA(finance) and 2011 saw me as a post graduate. Though both the degrees were from open learning but still better was the feeling.

The things changed a bit and then again seven years later (after my daughter was born) , in 2014, I was blessed with a baby boy. These four milestones changed my life a lot. Then again got back busy with my kids and life but 😞was started to feel useless and worthless.

The kick….

Then some family issues etc. made us to shift as a nuclear family in the same area in a rented apartment. This was the turning point of my life. Again the firm believe of my parents and support of my husband, my brother and on the top my sister gave me confidence to start a career as a pvt. Tutor. Not for money, But this was mainly needed to kick up my demotivated spirit to a confident person.

This was much needed. Then in the year 2017- 2018 I started my journey as a teacher (tutor) with only a community of two students which grew from two to four and four to eight then continuing from offline to offline classes + online classes. Then got a job as content writer during pandemic and the student community is still growing every year. Online+ offline today we are a community of approximately 20-25 students. Each year some go some new are added but the best part I feel is when they call me ‘Ma’am’ and their eyes I see shine when they look at me with respect. Moreover, those who are no longer studying with me even come to wish me whenever they feel like missing me….the respect in their eyes is my earning for life.

I shine like a star…head held high…my students’ achievements makes me proud 😊and happy.

Playing my role as a mother and teacher

Yeah! I feel I am efficiently gained my position and regained my identity in society. Yes it has called for a lot of hard work 😔but All’s well that ends well. Yes I feel I am keeping my promise with my daughter ❣️. I am trying to support her to study till whenever she wants to without judging her for anything. She is always free to choose her career and come back to me in tough times and I ll try to always be her healer. To my son I am trying to up bring him as a nice and generous person who has a respect filled heart 💓. Yes his success and studies are equally important to me.

Teaching…

Teaching has been a healer to my life. Today I have students in US, Canada, Dubai, India etc. and trust me I was scared of maths and physics but today my day starts at 3:30 am (IST) with my maths classes abroad and this continues till late night. With my classes I take care of my family, my kid’s studies, shop and all other things that my family needs. Books and my students are just like my extended family to me. I can’t even think of a single day without them. When I am not having classes I feel so restless and uneasy.

I am trying to support my students and family as much as I can.

What have I learnt from all that I have gone through????

• None is there to respect you till you don’t respect yourself.
• It’s better to not to try to satisfy fools and make them happy because you will never succeed.
• Value your own happiness and strength.
• Take the time to rest whenever you are tired.
• Prioritising yourself isn’t being selfish.
• Instead of suffering due to some cheap mentality people it’s better to stay away If someone says he/she has listened some gossip about you, it’s better to ask them to believe whatever they have heard because those you can’t convince those who
  are there to bring disgrace to you and those who care won’t bother you with such stupidities.
• Always value those who care.
• Never settle for your disrespect, no matter whoever is the player.
• It’s good to bow to keep the relations intact but if you are expected to do it often
  then ‘STOP’ and ‘BEWARE’.

Much of solitude, much of love,
But the most important is self-love .
I have learnt that self-obsession isn’t a crime..
If I love my own company, them am I not fine with you??
Why are we girls expected to be perfect..
Some mistakes are in our dictionary mentioned too ..
They should be taken normally
Y exaggerated are those,,,
Yeah,,, you heard it right..
We are humans too..
Legible to commit mistakes…we are fine too..
We don’t want to be god’s or apple of one’s eyes,
But can you please allow us a normal life..
If we are out earning…character is questioned,
If we are staying at home wives and mother’s,
Our utility in family is at stake!!!!
Who are you to question??
Our existence of any sort…
Why is it always a question???
Why is it always a question???? 

Note from the Blog Owner:

Ritu’s story serves as an inspiration to all who have struggled with self-doubt and adversity, reminding us of the importance of self-love, resilience, and the unwavering pursuit of our dreams. She is a beacon of hope and empowerment, advocating for the value of personal agency and the power of education to transform lives.

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